Letter to Fellow Cubemates

I am in a company that is now reducing its workforce in a very steady manner down to a zero sum value. One could make the argument that the potential energy in this company (and especially the IT department in which I work) was often equal to 0, perhaps even something less. But, as modern IT offices go, this company most assuredly represents corporate America. Everything you saw in movies like Office Space is very true.

One very good friend of mine who I shall miss very much just spent his last day in the office. He, along with about 10 other employees, were given their walking papers on Monday. They were told that their last day was Friday. One week's notice from the company that demands two when the shoe is on the other foot.

Anyway, he sent a letter to his co-workers, including a fair number of managers, letting them all know exactly how he felt about working here, and why he was so happy to finally leave. We here have all been waiting for the axe to fall for nearly 12 months. There have already been two waves of job cuts. No one knows when they will be let go, but we all know that it will be "very soon now." My friend's farewell letter was written tongue-in-cheek, but, like all good satire, speaks truth to us all:

My Friends and Co-Workers,


As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past eight years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, “mostly satisfactory.” That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after even a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of mostly satisfactory scotch.

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.


This is all stated with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek.

It has been an interesting 8 years working for this company. I've made friends, shared times, and I will remember many people here with great fondness. I wish you all happy lives.

For those interested in staying in touch... I'm easy to find. Just type my name into google.

Very truly yours,
-x-x-x-x-

UPDATE: I found an earlier version of this letter online. Darn it all. I thought that my friend had created his letter from scratch. It still rings the truth, however. I applaud his bravura for sending the letter to various people in the company.